Black Man Black Woman

Tag: S. Tia Brown

  • Dr. Boyce Money: Is a Lack of Sex Grounds for Divorce?

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    I live in New York, so I get the chance to meet a lot of interesting cab drivers. I love listening to older people so I can understand the world a little bit better. One driver, a man in his late 60s, was especially candid with me about his life, his relationships and the personal choices that got him to where we were at that very moment.

    He told me that he was married young, to a beautiful woman. The driver then began a very open description of why he left the marriage. “She was throwing so much sex at me that I didn’t know what to do with it,” the driver said. “Then, after we got married, I had to beg for it and she wasn’t budging, so I told her I needed to get a divorce.”

    “A divorce?” I asked.
    “Yes, there was no point in pretending,” the man responded.
    While it may seem extreme for the man to get a divorce because he wasn’t getting enough sex, it wasn’t as if he was simply jumping from one wife to the next. A few months later, he met and fell in love with another woman, to whom he has been married for the last 35 years. They’ve produced 5 children and 9 grand children, and according to the driver, they still “get busy” every chance they get.

    Alrighty then.

    The cab driver’s story, as odd as it may seem, brings up an interesting question: Is a lack of sex grounds for divorce? Some say that it should be, since they argue that there is an implicit agreement from both parties to fulfill the needs of the other person. Some say that it is immature to leave your mate due to a lack of sex. At the same time, couples regularly cite infidelity as their grounds for splitting up. Does it make sense to agree to only have your needs met by someone who refuses to meet your needs in a satisfactory manner? Probably not.

    Legally, is a lack of sex good cause for divorce? I asked an attorney about that.

    Christopher Chestnut, a prominent attorney out of Gainesville, Florida, argues that it, “depends upon the state. For instance, Florida is a No Fault state, thus, justifiable reasoning for a divorce is not dispositive to a case. Notwithstanding, lack of sex in marriage may be a grounds for divorce in some states.”

    S. Tia Brown and I discuss sexless marriages and whether or not this gives you just cause to roll out or sneak out of your marriage. Listen up and enjoy!

    Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.

     

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  • Financial Lovemaking: Managing "Baby Mama Drama"

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    Most of us know about “baby mama drama,” since some of that drama may occur within your own home. What is also forgotten is that there is a huge emotional and financial toll taken by the mating and dating choices that we make early in life. Having multiple children is expensive enough, but having multiple children in multiple households leads to a peculiar mix of unpredictable and complex psychological variables which may impact your ability to find peace and happiness.In this episode of “Financial Lovemaking,” S. Tia Brown and I discuss the art of managing multiple households and all the responsibilities that come with it. Here are some quick pointers on financial responsibility when dealing with and avoiding “baby mama drama.”

    1) Don’t create the drama in the first place. I tell my daughters that if you don’t think someone would be a good parent for your children, you shouldn’t sleep with them. In fact, you shouldn’t even go on the first date. This may sound far-fetched, but how many young parents go on a date with someone they just planned to “kick it with”, only to find their children being raised by the ignorant fool that they knew they should never have messed with from the beginning? Those who are not intelligent about their dating and mating choices early in life can end up with a lifetime of incredibly expensive child support. These huge financial obligations will virtually obliterate your ability to have another family or reach your personal financial objectives.

    2) Realize that there is no substitute for time. Some parents are tempted into believing that sending a big check is a replacement for spending time with their children. This is ultimately incorrect. Your kids are going to remember the time you did or did not spend, not how much money you sent.

    3) Create a budget. If you have a long list of parental obligations, make sure you keep a carefully designed budget and stick to it. You may also want to consider the fact that having a bunch of kids in multiple households is going to require you to have massive earning potential. I paid 18 years of child support myself, and I honestly think I spent enough money to fund NASA and the United Negro College Fund. Although I adopted kids later in life (I believe it takes a village to raise a child and black men should be willing to step up to do this), I was at least smart enough to avoid another pregnancy. I have made many mistakes in my life, but I usually only make them one time.

    4) Don’t play favorites. Emphasize to your children the importance of making sure you treat them all the same. How you deal with your kids will have a lasting impact on them into adulthood. You can’t guarantee that they are going to believe that you were fair (there’s always one who thinks the others were treated better), but you can at least do your best to avoid this problem.

    5) Realize that it takes two to Tango. You didn’t create the baby by yourself, so you should ensure that the non-custodial parent has an opportunity to spend time with his/her children – in fact, you should demand it, even if the kids aren’t interested. As much as black men get a bad rap for not wanting to see their children (sometimes rightfully so), there are thousands of fathers across America who’ve been victimized by mothers who want money, but don’t see the significance of influencing the children to spend time with their father. They are his children too, remember that, and if you are speaking negatively about the father when the kids are around, you should realize the long-term damage you are doing to your own offspring. Children should be targets of our love and affection, not possessions to be used as a source of power – think about that when you use the words “MY kids” when speaking with the other person who created them.

    The episode is below, check it out!

    Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.

     

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