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Tag: partner

  • Mistakes Couples Make When Mixing Love and Money Together

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    As I prepare for an appearance on ABC News to talk about money and relationships, I thought I would share the answers to some of my questions that were asked of me by the producers. Perhaps this can be valuable information that can be used to help others. There is more in my book, Financial Lovemaking, which goes deeply into the struggles that couples have when negotiating the challenging task of merging love and money together.

    1) What do Love and Money have in common?

    People think it’s taboo to mix love and money in a conversation, but it’s not. It’s actually essential that you do so. Loving together means living together. In most relationships, you spend more time talking about functional aspects of life, such as paying the bills and purchasing decisions than you spend on “lovey-dovey” stuff. Also, like making love, merging your assets involves sharing something of value with another person. Similar to the act of sharing your body, merging your assets with someone else can either be a fulfilling experience or a devastating one, depending on who you choose as your partner.

    2) What are the biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to managing love and relationships?

    I can list some common mistakes very simply: Not communicating about money, stepping into something without knowing what you’re getting into. Not being honest with yourself or your partner. Allowing love to dominate your logic when it comes to determining if someone is right for you. Not critically analyzing the spending, saving, borrowing and investing habits of your partner and how this is going to play out in the long-term. Not analyzing the long-term earning potential of your partner and determining if you are comfortable with it.

    3) What does it mean for a couple to “get financially naked with your partner?”

    In regular love, you eventually have to get naked. That means the person sees your physical assets and liabilities. The same should be done financially: you and your partner should share debt levels, income levels, spending habits, credit scores, perceptions of money and all the things that your partner needs to know. The key to making good love is communication and the same is true for financial lovemaking as well.

    4) Is financial lovemaking only a topic for couples or those seeking relationships?

    No. Part of the lovemaking process means learning to love yourself. That means understanding your own relationship with money and how you are going to reach your own financial goals. Good financial health is not just for the benefit of current and future partners, it is also important for you. Additionally, financial lovemaking affects how money and relationships merge in all kinds of scenarios: with your children, relatives, friends, etc. By being financially healthy, you are ready to merge assets in an effective way when the right situation comes along.

    5) How does bad financial lovemaking spread beyond your significant other? What about other offspring, relatives, etc?

    Many financial lovemaking problems come from our children and parents. If you don’t raise your children to be financially independent, they can become liabilities during retirement rather than assets. If you don’t know how to manage your financial relationships with loved ones, you might find yourself being drained in a way that frustrates both you and your partner. Love is something that permeates every dimension of our lives, so effectively managing our money can be a tool toward making good love.

    6) What is a “life portfolio” and what do you mean when you say that “our most significant financial assets in life having nothing to do with money?”

    The most valuable things in your life are usually non-financial: your health, your happiness, your love and your time. All of these things were granted to us from birth and have nothing to do with money. Many times, I see people destroying the most valuable assets in their lives, all in the pursuit of money, and I find that to be sad. Money should be a tool for the enhancement of that which is most valuable to you, not a weapon to destroy the things that matter.

    Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of the book, “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.

     

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  • Communication Is The Backbone Of Romance and Intimacy

    If communication is the recipe for a healthy relationship, romance and intimacy are the key ingredients. For most men, the concept of genuine, truthful communication in a relationship is an alien concept, let alone understanding the concepts of romance and intimacy. For most men, the idea of romance is equated to “game” or trying to get a woman into bed and the concept of genuine honesty is incomprehensible to many. Men have been convinced that crying, a natural, healthy, biological release of emotion makes a man weak. Reality check. If men weren’t supposed to cry, they would not have tear ducts. Crying is as natural as sneezing, it is necessary to help an individual process emotion, yet we have an entire population of men that think that shedding a tear means an individual less than a man. Black men in particular have been impressed upono for generations to deny their feelings and never taught to process or share those emotions with another human being. To have feelings is to be considered weak or gay. When we look at all the false perceptions that are in place to keep men from being fully functioning, emotionally mature human beings it’s no wonder that the state of Black relationships is in such peril.

    Being someone that has dedicated her life to showing Black sexuality in a healthy light, men often come to me to share their desires, secrets and fantasies when they have wives, girlfriends, and lovers that should be that confidant. Day in and day out, brothas come to me and share with me, a total stranger, their most intimate desires. They always seem to preface it by saying, “My wife would never understand . . .” News flash, your wife should be the first person you go to share your feelings and if she’s not, you need to re-examine your relationship and take the steps necessary to make that so. Your wife is your partner and your mate, if you don’t have a relationship where you can be open and honest with her, there’s something drastically wrong with that. Let’s assume that you married a woman with whom you share common ideologies, goals, and beliefs. If all of those things are in place, then you have the makings of fantastic communication and all that needs to be done is learning how to open up and share with your partner your thoughts.

    The number one fantasy that Black men come to me and share as their secret desire is to be submissive to a (in most cases, Black) woman. We must be cautious how we use the term submissive in this particular case because mainstream society would lead us to believe that being submissive means being beaten and whipped and assuming an inferior position in some sadomasochistic exchange. While in some cases, that may be the desire, more often than not they mean that they want to put aside their satisfaction for that of their partner. Unfortunately, the term submissive is the closest term Black men have to describe their fantasies of catering to a woman’s needs. I hear it time and time again, “I want to satisfy my woman . . . her pleasure is more important than mine . . . I want to do whatever it takes to make her cum until she passes out.” Society would have us believe that a Black man is supposed to “kill it” to use his dick as a weapon and that pleasing a woman is of no concern. Imagine Jay-Z making a rap where he says that he gave a woman pleasure without concern for his own. That’s not going to happen in this lifetime because Black men have to live up to the stereotype that women are for their pleasure, not the other way around. Again, the absurdity of the concept and the extent to which we as a people hold on to it is causing us to perish.

    When Black men approach me about their fantasies, they tend to be somewhat forthcoming with the details. Conversely, when I approach Black men about their fantasies their responses tend to be either, “I don’t have any fantasies,” or, “I have done everything that I want to do, I prefer the real thing.” When they do admit to a fantasy it’s the standard “threesome” scenario. Black men aren’t adept at expressing their fantasies or allowing themselves to creatively explore their sexuality. It’s only after intense and directed questioning that they can admit to having other fantasies. Conversely, white men tend to be able to describe in great detail their fantasies and have very involved and complex scenarios. Fantasies are a natural, normal part of our existence and allow us to experience different realities in a safe way. Going out and engaging in unhealthy behaviors rather than learning to express healthy fantasies is dysfunctional. Not being comfortable enough to share one’s fantasies with one’s partner and then going out to explore those fantasies as a reality with someone outside one’s relationship is unhealthy. We must, as a people, reexamine the guidelines that are keeping us dysfunctional.

    There seems to be a tremendous difficulty in men understanding that women crave romance and intimacy, a reluctance to embrace any personal responsibility in creating romance and intimacy in their relationship and even a difficulty understanding those terms. There is a belief that men seem to have that is reinforced by a society that says that women have to do the work to keep a man, not the other way around. Men, understand this if you understand nothing else I say. If you want peace in your relationship, if you want your woman to treat you like a king, then the single-most easiest way to do that is to treat her like a queen. For every one step you make to make a woman feel special, she will take ten in return to make you feel special. Surprise her with a small token that lets her know you are thinking of her, that she crosses your mind during the day. It needn’t be something extravagant or expensive. There are more things than just flowers, candy, or a designer purse that you can give that will show her that you care. Sadly, men don’t seem to understand the erotic potential and possibilities of anything other than material gifts as indications of romance have been conditioned to, thus they are limited in their creativity and expression.

    I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss Black women’s responsibility in fostering healthy communication and intimacy in relationships. Sadly, there are a great many women that will judge and condemn a man for sharing his thoughts and fantasies with her, no matter the level of honesty or intimacy he is showing. We’ve been conditioned to either view any expression of sexuality outside of missionary sex as vulgar, or conversely, we view sexuality as a tool of manipulation, source of income, or as recreation. As Black women, we’ve also been socialized to narrowly define manhood and equate it with sexual prowess and earning potential, not realizing that emotional depth and intimacy are things that men are capable of giving. We must be held accountable for our false perceptions and debilitating belief systems but the change must be partnered with Black men in an effort to grow together.

    Getting a woman to be receptive to your fantasies is not as difficult as one might think. Increasing communication, romance and intimacy in your relationship is not an impossible task. The most effective way to introduce your fantasies to your partner is to get her to a heightened state of arousal and subtly introduce the new concept to her. She will be more receptive to any new ideas that are initiated during that time. Getting her to a heightened state of arousal takes work on your part. It means that you must be willing to ask questions about what arouses her, to set aside everything that you’ve learned about what turns a woman on, and set aside your preferences for the things that turn you on. The benefits will be amazing and you will lay the foundation for a partnership with outstanding potential.